By Stewart Lovecraft

With this free downloadable sneak peak, we travel into the mind and conscience of world history's most elusive, most dangerous, and perhaps most hygienic terrorist to ever walk the surface of the Earth.

As you read the Cover letters of Miguel Ali Khan, remark his employment frustrations, observe his idiosyncrasies, allow yourself to honestly judge the presumptive architect of the most unpardonable terrorist attack our solar system has ever witnessed.

In the year 2004, while searching for a job and a trophy wife (nothing lower then a 7, indicated in his diaries), it is known that, United States citizen Miguel Ali Khan was living in Brooklyn, New York. Months later, despite marrying (settling for a six and half) and moving to New Jersey, Khan was seeking employment. Filling out an unprecedented 27 employment applications in less than two months, Khan sought to work for hardware stores and uncertified taxidermists.

But in 2005, his ambition took a turn for the worst.

While looking at greeting cards at a Hallmark Store, Khan was browsing the 'thinking of you' and 'I'm sorry' sections and discovered a 'fill in the blank cover letter' template.

Fascinated by the initiative of introducing and marketing one's ideas and talents through writing a letter, an inspired Khan optimistically expedited his first cover letter in hopes of becoming a successful and first rate Drug Dealer.

Dear Shocka Dia (a.k.a: Sik Fist),

I am interested in beginning my career in drug sales. I was intrigued by your effective sales advertisement on the bathroom stall at Marrakech Tacos and Couscous on 159th and Melrose and I would like to inquire about the possibility of an open position with your business.

I have a Bachelors of Arts degree, as well as a good amount of sale's experience as a cashier at a major fast food restaurant. Just to give you an idea of what I am capable of, in one day I sold a restaurant record of 127 beige burgers with fries. In addition, I have completed two internships focusing on community service. For my first 'internship' I spent 200 hours at a soup kitchen in homeless shelter. My second 'internship' was completed by sleeping in a jail cell for 30 days. My criminal record contains additional information about my community service, which I would be happy to share with you at the appropriate time.

I have attained a reputation for honesty and hygiene; I also have many ideas that will encourage higher yields for both prescription and illegal drug profit margins. If hired, under my guidance, I propose that we,

• Expand the psychedelic legume market by adding new products. Consider adding 'consecrated carrots' and 'enchanting asparagus' to the sales of mushrooms. In addition to the user's amusement, 'enchanting asparagus' will also offer the novelty of fragrant urine.

• Baby food in Germany is almost exclusively organic. In 2005, Italy made all school lunches organic by law. Therefore, I believe we must begin to vend certified organic illegal drugs. The facts show that taking the health industry's moral high ground by selling organic illegal drugs will ensure a 7-35 percent profit increase.

• Overhaul the selling of prescription drugs and controlled substances by reducing sales of 'zantax', 'serax' and 'oxapax'. In order to increase market share, we diversify by introducing the trying on of 'gortex' apparel, taking photographs with 'Pentax' cameras, and promote by selling the highly dependent and often forgotten euphoria of 'sex' (overdoses may be fatel).

• Create a new group of consumers by refocusing the sale of marijuana to the city's immense pigeon population and the large families of rabbits living in Central Park.

• In addition to the vending of benzodiazepines and minor tranquilizers, begin selling weapons of electroshock and tasors, marketing them as 'the ultimate sedative experience.' With these innovations we will enjoy an estimated profit shift of 25 percent.

As there is considerably more to relate, if you are interested in my ideas and the prospect of working as a team, I look forward to meeting with you. I would be delighted to learn more about the health coverage benefits and stock opportunities you provide. I am also curious in hearing how and why you entered this field, as well as the pros and cons of working with prostitutes and hit men.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
Miguel Ali Khan

After waiting for a response for several months, Khan turned to pursuing his lifelong dream of becoming a professional athlete. However, after a day of try-outs with the New York Knicks, he was devastated to learn, that he was not good enough to meet the National Basketball Association’s standards of play.

Sources recalling that day, say Khan insisted he was worth a contract and remained on the court for thirty minutes, disrupting practice by launching half-court shots and making numerous attempts to dunk a basketball on a ten foot basket.

When confronted by the team doctor, Khan said he would settle for the league's minimum salary of $427,163 as well as an endorsement deal with a major yogurt company. However Knicks General Manager directly refused Khan's offer and wiped all unilateral talks off the table. Disgusted, Khan flouted the possibility for multilateral talks by immediately exiting Madison Square Garden enraged in one of his fits and furiously humming melodies of Edif Piaf.

On September 4, 2007, Kahn became outraged by the Kenneth Shanglebumer Supreme Court Nomination. Inclined to organize a nation wide protest against the government he called for a meeting to mobilize his plans for a large scale protest.

Only three French tourists and one illegal immigrant attended the meeting in support of Khan's hopes for revolution. Khan canceled the protest.

Then, it occurred to him on his thirty-fifth birthday, that he was now finally eligible to be President of the United States.

On February 18 2008, a day after his thirty-fifth birthday, he addressed this cover letter to the White House.

Dear White House Staff,

I'm writing in application for the full-time Commander and Chief position which I noticed on craigslist.com last week. I believe that I am a perfect match. That's right; I meet all the requirements to become the Leader of the Free World. I am a natural born American citizen, son of an insurance salesman, born and raised in Hartford, Connecticut. I am exactly 35 years old and I have lived in the United States not just for 14 years, but for a milestone of 35 years. Please review my resume and I hope you will give serious consideration the value I would bring to replacing the current President of the United States.

Appointing the right men for the job, granting pardons or reprieves, negotiating compromises and treaties, and executing the will of United States of America as Commander and Chief, this is what I do best!

Throughout my career, I have been the patriarch; I have acquired a high-profile reputation for success in managing complex issues that require a steady hand at the helm, and accomplishing incredible rather than credible results. In 2006 I called for and mediated single-party talks between Lisa Kahn (my wife) and myself over the issues of whether the toilet seat must always be left in the horizontal position. As a natural decision maker, I vetoed proposed legislation that would distribute family funds to a major charity, and passed my own legislation of buying cheap beer or wine to be directly distributed to local bums and beggars. As a problem-solver, one who thinks outside the box, I conceived the idea of having an air freshener in the bathroom at all times to take care of the constant stench rotten broccoli. Under my leadership, the Kahn family has experienced peace and prosperity for the last four years.

I have been characterized as a leader who has the knowledge, deodorant, and the wisdom for taking a nation-state to a higher echelon of dignity or correcting the shortcomings that limits its capability to perspire and progress. I am convinced of my capabilities will meet and exceed all your expectations as the President of the United States, and hope you will invite me to meet with you for a personal interview. I look forward to it.

Sincerely,
Miguel Ali Khan

Khan hoped to use this cover letter as a vehicle for a bloodless regime change in the United States, assuming the Commander-in-Chief position without referendum.

However, the President and the White House received his cover letter with high alert, distinguishing Kahn as a threat to national security. The Terror Alert level was immediately increased to the color "tope".

Out of fear of Khan's ambitions, the White House leaked Khan's letter to the media, spinning it as a failed coup d'etat and tactfully justifying the executive order for Khan's body, dead, alive, or sleeping.

Depressed by his situation and nihilistic about his future, two weeks later, Khan, wrote, with an incurable style, his most disturbing and foreshadowing cover letters.

Dear Hiring Manager:

This letter is to express my interest in discussing the Part-time Receptionist Position posted on your terrorist website. The opportunity presented in this listing is very appealing, and with my skills and knowledge in unconventional warfare I consider myself to be a strong and viable candidate for this position.

I have the experience in learning and excelling in creative terrorist tactics as needed. My experience includes but is not limited to the following:

• Hijacking: I have hijacked six taxis in the last 8 weeks by threat and intimidation of applying a plastic knife to the external jugular of the driver. All of my hijacking missions were successful by paying the driver the full wage at the end of the trip.

• Kid-knapping: I have kidnapped two of the Hospital's infant children, one in 2002 and one in 2005, setting payment for ransom at 500,000 euros for each child. While my wife refuses to believe that I kidnapped these children, insisting that they were conceived by our love-making but I have informed St. Vincent Hospital that these children will be executed if doctors fail to meet my demands by the end of the month. (But, I must tell you that I plan to run this by my wife first).

• Assassination: My current mission is to test a newly developed and inaccurate model of a Rocket Propelled Grenade RPG that fires long range potatoes. I have plans that will be carried out on July 4 to knock off the mailman, serving as retribution to his habitual late deliveries and for his suspected support of the United States' current foreign policy in Greenland.

• Car bombs: My extensive experience in fabricating car bombs includes Improvised Explosive Devices (IED). My most effective IED recipe is one that is sweet to the taste buds and textural to the tongue. Using ammonia, lemon zest, nitrate, gasoline, and hint of saffron, then mixing it with a viscous sugary substance, I prefer honey, but maple syrup will suffice, I have effectively blown up my own 1997 Dodge Caravan. My plans are to send shockwaves to modern science by blowing up a small planet with this recipe, perhaps Pluto.

• Suicide Attack: I have yet to carry out this tactic, but I am thinking of ways to avoid being here on Tax Day.

• With a Bachelor's degree in Peace and Conflict Studies I have thirst to publicly spill the blood of the infidels who occupy our lands as a method of nonviolent persuasion. They must peacefully withdrawal their forces.

Please see my resume for additional information on my experience. I look forward to speaking with you about this employment opportunity.

Sincerely,
Miguel Ali Khan

In receiving Khan's application, after two interviews and a Rorschach inkblot test, this terrorist organization hired Khan by offering him an opportunity to become the mastermind behind destroying the Earth's only natural satellite: the Moon.

Terrorist Ali Khan is believed to be the founder of the Terrorist organization known as, Terrorists Against Drunk Driving (a.k.a. TADD).

He has been named by a United Kingdom federal court for his alleged involvement in the 2007 debagging of British Prime Minister during a speech before the United Nations. Khan is listed on the US Federal Bureau of Investigation's Ten Most Wanted Fugitives list.

Although Khan has not been indicted for the destruction of a celestial body, in videos released to the public he has claimed responsibility for blowing up the Moon maintaining his defense: "all because I was given no other opportunity like it. You employers should have hired me when you had the chance…"