By IAN DAGG

As your eyelids suffer the weight of your 6th J&B, they droop to a close. The book falls to the floor and is soon followed by the now reeking glass of leftover ice… You sit up with a jolt, the word "No" escaping from your lips. You find Virgil winking at you outrageously. "Where am I?" you mumble. Virgil glares at you, eyes filled with contempt. "Well why am I not sweating then?" you ask. Virgil puts on a formal face and says in all seriousness, "Technology… but we don't have time for chit chat – we only have so long and we have added many new exhibits that you simply must see". Virgil is already strolling down the hallway backward, lecturing, and you shuffle after him, trying to keep the pace. One exhibit in particular catches your eye. You look through the Plexiglas to see a man standing in a white room. Razor wire is jutting throughout his body, forcing him upright. His eyes are black from lack of sleep and a gurgling sound is coming from his widely opened, tongueless mouth. You find yourself wondering what sort of drainage system this place has. In silver lettering underneath the glass it says "Julius Fromm". You inquire as to who exactly Julius Fromm is. A professional smile leaps to Virgil's face. "Julius Fromm," your guide says with excitement, "was born in 1945 and he grew up in Germany. He was the entrepreneur that invented and patented a seamless condom, introducing it to the mass market. Do you know how many souls we've gained through these things?" He pauses and then whispers at you, "It's a sin, you know". Suddenly the platform Fromm is suspended on jerks to the right and Fromm's body helplessly jerks along with it. The razor wire slides through his skin, opening the man's eyes in shock and surprise and for just a second his body is free. But as his body starts to crumple to the floor, the razor wire leaps about in the air and reenters Fromm's body. Virgil elbows you in the stomach, hard and says, "You didn't see that coming." You can feel bile rise up your throat and the Best of Talking Heads starts to play in the background. Virgil looks around sadly and tells you that, "It's time to go, but don't worry, I'll see you in 12." "Wha?" you reply, taken aback, "What do you mean 12? 12 what?!" But your head is already spinning and again you feel the bile rising up your throat. You open your eyes to find your roommate nudging you with his foot. "Are you going to stay passed out in that chair all year?" he says, clearly pleased with the wittiness of his remark. You groan and he hands you a reddish drink, saying, "Have this, you'll feel better." You remove the piece of celery and take a tentative nibble…