By STEWART LOVECRAFT

Hanging out on North Avenue beach, discussing some of our worst job interviews, Jankowytz brought up a recent blown opportunity. It was a chance to work for an intelligence agency in Washington D.C. Planning for the interview he decided that exaggerating and beautifying his skills and career experience would be too noticeable and only demark points from his candidacy to become a spy. So instead he presented himself as modest, trustworthy and self-confident. But in the end the intelligence agency informed him that they were not interested. Jankowytz said he wished he would have embellished like everyone so often does during interviews.

At this point in time, the normally quiet Feedlehurn spoke up. He praised Jankowytz, saying that he knew someone by the name of Bopkins who, without a doubt, experienced the worst interview ever. With everyone listening Feedlehurn carried on and shared the following story.

On a suffocating summer afternoon, Bopkins entered the silent and empty cathedral where it was cooler. A woman who was cleaning met Bopkins and showed him to the office of Deacon Steinekohlklautz.

An interview with a mere deacon? Bopkins snickered, not a bad draw. This man is not even considered a member of the ordained clergy. He is just a lay person serving the church for fun, Bopkins thought, I have nothing to worry about. Deacon Steinekohlklautz’s office was clean and darkly lit, Bopkins remarked as he waited. Suddenly, Deacon Steinkohlklautz appeared, from a hidden door Bopkins had not accounted for. Startled, Bopkins rose to shake the Deacon’s hand.

“NO,” Deacon Steinekohlklautz said authoritatively, “remain seated. Sit down Bopkins, do not stand up.” He had a deep serious voice. Dressed in black, like one of the four horseman, his person was grand; he was a robust older man. “I am Deacon Steinekohlklautz, please remark my German accent; it will accompany all my questions throughout the interview.”

Bopkins swallowed.

“Give me your resume Bopkins,”

Bopkins swallowed, again. “I am sorry, I didn’t bring one with me. I didn’t think this would be that kind of interview…”

Deacon Steinekohlklautz said nothing.

“Er, is this position, to be the Reader, a paid position?”

Deacon Steinekohlklautz said nothing, again.

“Ok…you know what I will do, I will write out my employment history on this piece of scrap paper here on your desk. Crossing out your letter head, ok, and writing in my name and address here. Ok.” Remarkably, Bopkins wrote quickly and neatly and was able to provide a document which the Deacon could work with. In three minutes Bopkins had filled the paper with four of his former employers, including positions held, responsibilities, and dates. “There you are rev-sir-holy-doctor- Deacon Steinekohlklautz.”

Deacon Steinekohlklautz said nothing. Bopkins, presuming that he was suppose to begin by telling the deacon something about himself began, “So I started out in politics, making-“

“WHAT ARE YOU GREATEST STENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES, Bopkins?” The Deacon interrupted.

Alertly Bopkins responded, “Well in fact, my strengths are my public speaking and my communication skills. As a freshman in college, I took a public speaking course and really excelled in it. For the final exam I delivered the ‘Friends Romans Countrymen’ speech by Shakespeare, and my classmates told me at the end, bar none, that when I speak, I communicate the Holy Spirit. This is one reason why I believe that I am a competitive candidate for the position, as Sunday Mass Lecturer. As far as weaknesses, I feel that I stutter when I am excited or nervous. This is something I continue to work on and promise to improve.” There was silence in the room for ten seconds.

“Can you explain this gap in your employment history?” said the Deacon.

"My great uncle had a health issue, let’s just say having to do with a colon and some polyps. I had to help take care of him. When he had fully recovered from his surgery I then began my job search,” This was a scripted answer, and Bopkins did not feel the least bit of guilty about employing it. Why should he? These are what interviews are about.

There was silence.

“Describe the kind of relationship that needs to exist between the supervisor and those under him?”

“That’s a very interesting question, Deacon Steinekohlklautz. Let me see if I can answer it. If you are referring God the Father Almighty when you say ‘The Supervisor,’ and man, when you say ‘those under Him” then I would contend that the relationship that must exist between them is a relationship of Love. While ‘The Supervisor’ gives us unconditional love regardless of how many stupid mistakes we make, we being under him must follow his commandments and fear and respect Him, even during times of trial and tribulation.”

“Hmm.” The Deacon sounded. He was noticing a pattern. He was picking up on a certain tendency of Bopkins’.

“Bopkins, what is the most recent book you have read?”

“The Bible. It just so happens that I finished the book of Revelation last night before bed.”
There was silence again for a few brief seconds, and suddenly seven trumpets sounded. The church is planning something special for Sunday’s mass, Bopkins thought, but an instant later the Deacon slammed a pair of justice scales on the tabletop of his bureau.

“YOUR FINAL HOUR HAS COME BOPKIN’S! THIS IS YOU LAST INTERVIEW, IT HAS ARRIVED!” the Deacon shouted above the intense noise of horns and clatter, “BOPKIN’S CONFESS TO ME THE TRUTH!” The floor began to crack and shake as the sky turned ominously black.

Bopkins stood up, “What? Come on Deacon!” Bopkins shouted between clashes of thunder and gunfire from outside. “We need to get out of here- I will help you old man, come on!” The cleaning lady burst into the office crying. “Deacon, Deacon,” she cried, “It’s the Last Day, it’s the end of the world, what shall we do?”

The Deacon said nothing.

“The Last Day?” Bopkins repeated, “Oh God, it’s the last day, let’s go Cleaning Lady, I will help you.”

“BOPKINS, SIT DOWN!” the Deacon commanded. “I AM A JUDICIAL SERVANT OF GOD. YOUR INTERVIEW HAS COME.” The sound of fire and gnashing of teeth screamed as the cleaning lady sought to find her way out of the Deacon’s worsening office. The Deacon sat confidently. Bopkins sat down, realizing his situation.

“Bopkins,” the deacon said “What is the most recent book you have read?”

“Savage Affair of a Savage Lover, by Pamela Paumissy,” Bopkin’s came clean.

The Deacon continued with the interview questions. “Bopkins! What interests you about our product? For example: Our good works? Eternal life? Or pleasing God? Which and please explain why?”

“Other than texture of the wafers at Holy Communion,” Bopkins said “I’ve always wanted to have the power to bless people. I’ve never been rich with money nor with spirituality to do that.” Bopkins cried. He could no longer lie or embellish and it felt great. A major blast went off. It was probably the exploding tank of methane, which Bopkins parked his car next to when he came in.

“What do you know about our competitors?” The Deacon shouted.

Oh shit, Bopkins thought, will I be vaporized to the next world for this answer? Oh this is going to be nasty, Bopkins thought to himself. “Lutherans declare that freemasons build and worship idols within their minds. Mormans believe that Jesus will reappear specifically in Jackson County, Missouri. A suicide bomber dying in the name of his Islam is promised paradise. And a person denying the Jewish principles of faith may be considered a heretic, while still considered Jewish.”

“And the final question, Bopkins, how would you describe yourself?”

Bopkins liked this question. “I have always wanted to tell someone how I really felt, but I have never had a stage or circumstances like this where I could say it without needing to lie. Deacon, for the passed seven years I’ve been a drifter, I’ve been confused what to make of this thing we call life – what was the point. I’ve attempted many different professions, including law but never got passed the LSAT where I scored 141. I know how to please people and make them feel comfortable in certain situations, and that is why I have had successful interviews. I applied for jobs that seemed novel or interesting while never having the real skills and experience they require. I learned that during interviews if I exaggerate my strengths and use the catch words with some sturdy smiles I can win over the interviewer. But, in light of it being Judgment Day, I can now see that it’s all been for my gross erudite amusement. So probably the most honest way to describe myself is to conclude that I have been confused with just about everything I’ve ever interacted with except for this moment here and now, this moment being experienced with you, my good Deacon…”

Bopkin’s waited while slashing sounds could be heard outside the Deacon’s door. “So did I get the job? Or am I doomed?” And the cathedral suddenly crumbled with both Bopkins and the Deacons inside.

Jankowytz laughed ridiculously.

"I don’t get it," I said, "what’s the point?"

"The point is don’t fudge interviews," said Jankowytz.

"No," said Fishburn, who was a Christian and had been listening all along, "the point is, don’t lie, because you will be judged by your actions."

"No," I disagreed; "I don’t think that was point." I looked to Feedlehurn who was smiling.

"Who care’s what the point of the story is, whether there even was a point," Kramer said. "It was an amusing story, Feedlehurn. Thanks. So where are we going for drinks tonight," he said.